Raymond Carver

(May 25, 1938 – August 2, 1988)
“What We Talk About When We Talk About Love” (1981)

Two things jumped out at me when reading this: definitions of love and expressions of love.

Mel mentions three kinds of love, spiritual love (which he does not define), physical love (which he calls an impulse driving you to another person and his/her essence), and sentimental love (which he calls the day-to-day caring about another). He and Terri argue over whether her former husband, Ed actually ‘loved’ her. (170). As the conversation goes on, Mel considers how he could actually love his first wife; he is sure that he did. Mel seems to hold on to love as something delicate, like an ancient document, an original copy of the Declaration of Independence, that might tatter if handled wrong. He wants love but is afraid to lose it. This becomes evident when he talks about watching the elderly couple recovering; these two are in the same room, but the gentleman could not see his wife, and this was breaking his heart. Seeing this kind of love made Mel want it, and his conversation with Terri, Nick, and Laura helped him crystallize that desire and express it. But how was he going to attain it?

We need to go back and figure out what we are aiming for so that we can be sure and move toward it. What is love? The english language lack some of the expressiveness regarding love that some other languages have. A man could use ‘love’ to commend his wife or to commend her cooking (both of which would be advisable); however, these loves are not the same type. Spanish has a word for romantic love as well and a word for mild affection. And to Mel I would commend Greek; they have some beautiful categories:

Agape – This is a selfless love. It seeks the other’s best good at the cost one’s own self and self-interest.
Phileo – This is brotherly love, friendship. It is a love of mutuality and team-work.
Eros – This is romantic love. It is a gleam in another’s eye and the passionate embrace.

We want relationships to last a lifetime. We want them to thrive. And no relationship can sprawl across the wake of this world like kudzu (did you know strawberries grow in the same way as kudzu, just not as fast) like strawberries (does this sound too dopey—Just read it and think ‘Amazing’ ‘I want that’), no relationship can thrive without heavy amounts of agape. When a man sits down and listens to his wife and talks to her and is interested in her… When a woman lets her husband know that she values his work, especially in those little feminine ways… Am I suggesting we just feed each other’s egos? No. We all have faults and blind spots and stubbornness. We pursue each other’s best interest as we pursue each other, and along the way phileo and eros will soothe and warm.